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Pagan Glossary

Don your sense of humor and keep your salt grains handy (what is a ‘grain’ of salt anyway?). This is the most comprehensive collection of totally random, often true, mostly inaccurate, and always hilarious terms and phrases (plus witchy emoticons!) seen and heard across the paganverse.
Note: listings are not entirely in alphabetical order…database issue.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z #

A

Abracadabra
Although touted in our recent pop-culture past as a nonsense word used exclusively by stage magicians for effect, originally, “abracadabra” was a truly magical phrase. The mystery is its much debated origin and lack of confirmed usage in written history. There are phrases that correspond to the sound/spelling of this anglicized version in Hebrew and Aramaic, which also reveal concepts familiar within Jewish mysticism (and the animistic nature of the ancient Hebrew language particularly), but that etymological path is working slightly south of sideways. Origin: most likely taken from the Hebrew phrase Evrah Kedabri (אברא כדברי), or the older Aramaic Avra Kadavrai; both translate roughly as “I create as I speak” (otherwise known as: words mean things).

— Merriam-Webster Dictionary, Wikipedia, and my Jewish Mysticism professor at SJSU

Airy-Fairy
A derogatory adjective which declares the subject matter as impractical or foolishly idealistic. Although neo-pagan variations of the spelling of Fairy/Faery/Feri will result in…well, it probably amounts to the same thing. <|;)

— Unknown

Agnes Nutter’s Way to Trayne Your Furrye Frend
The much anticipated sequel to The Niƒe and Accurate Propheƒies of Agnes Nutter, Witch. Unfortunately, Agnes was burned at the stake by a mob before it could be published (because that’s what mobs did at that time). Fortunately, she had foreseen the mob and her fiery end (“Ye’re tardy; I should have been aflame ten minutes since”) and she packed 80lbs of gunpowder and 40lbs of roofing-nails into her petticoats. Unfortunately, everyone who participated in the burning was killed instantly. Fortunately, justice was served…and, for many scavenging birds, so was dinner. (This spoof is based on the fabulous novel Good Omens by Terry Pratchett and Neil Gaiman. The joke was a speculation on what Agnes would advise regarding dog-training.)

— Lis Mitchell (@Pixelfish), via Twitter

Apostate
A person who renounces a religious or political belief, cause or principle. Synonyms: atheist. Origin: Greek, from apostatēs meaning “runaway slave.” Whenever I see this word, I always think of a mashup between apostle and prostate (and now, so will you…you’re welcome). Combining that bit of nonsense with the “runaway slave” thing, and this term becomes shockingly apropos, no?

Astral Slap
The slap felt around the world.

— Unknown

Atheismo
All hail the Almighty Atheismo! Grant us your ambivalence and save us from ourselves.

— Bender (character), Futurama: Bender’s Game

Ay, Diosa mio!
Origin: Spanish; literally translates to ‘Oh, my Goddess!’

— Unknown

Abraca-fuck-you
Self explanatory. See Abracadabra.

— Justin McElroy (aka Taako), The Adventure Zone podcast (episode 36, The Crystal Kingdom, chapter 8)

Adam’s Nipples
The greatest expletive of all time.

— MBMBaM podcast (episode 186 @ 20:00)

B

Baby Pagan
A term for someone who has only recently developed pagan spirituality or just begun the study and practice of a nature-based religion. Synonym: pagan noob.

Biblia Abiblia
A book that is not a book. Wait, what?

— Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Bibliognost
Having a deep and intuitive knowledge of books which are brought into physical being by a demiurge, or something.

— Merriam-Webster Dictionary

Bibliomage
A bibliophage (an avid reader) with supernatural powers!

— Mnemosyne Mars

Bird, The
Haven’t you heard? In the beginning there was the Word, and the Bird was the Word. Compare: Papa Ooma Mow Mow.

— Mnemosyne Mars; The Trashmen, song “Surfin’ Bird” (1963)

Blast-Ended Skank
Yo mama. Also the best insult I’ve ever yelled at anyone in public. A Blast-Ended Skank is a pun on the Blast-Ended Skrewt, a hideous creature invented by J.K. Rowling and featured in the Harry Potter series.

Brand of Crazy
Your religion of choice. Everyone has their own beliefs and unique take on the Divine. For instance, your super-special relationship with The Flying Spaghetti Monster—whom you believe is God in noodle form—is your personal brand of crazy. Well, if His noodley appendage touches you spiritually, then who am I to contradict your Pastafarian ways? Compare: God-in-a-Box.

Broomsday
The end is near. Broomsday predictions are far more welcome than their doomsday counterparts—although both involve an overabundance of negative energy, imagination, and sweeping (of evidence) under carpets.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Bunnies
So, about last night…did anybody spontaneously burst into song? It must be the bunnies. Bunnies aren’t as innocent as everyone supposes. They’ve got these hoppy little legs, and twitchy noses. Plus, what’s with all the carrots? What do they need such good eyesight for anyway? Damn bunnies. Usage: ‘Son-of-a…bunny!’ or ‘Damn bunnies.’ (Disambiguated from Fluff Bunnies or Bunnies of the Fluff.)

— Anya (character), Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode “Once More With Feeling”

Fluff Bunnies (Bunnies of the Fluff)
Fight the fluff, not the bunny. A fluff bunny is a derogatory term for pagans who fixate on subjects and behavior in witchcraft and spirituality relating to the more “sweetness and light” areas on the insufferable scale of humanity. Unfortunately, it has also become a term used against those who are new to paganism (where ignorance of certain things should be forgiven and understood) or as an argumentum ad hominem tactic (a personal attack or Red Herring) meant to distract and harm the opposition during a debate. Other terms associated (but not synonymous) with fluff bunnies are: Insta-witches, McWiccans, One-Book Witches, Wicclets, Playgans, Whitelighters, Baby Pagans, or Weekend Witches.

— Author Unknown; Wikipedia; Fire Lyte (for the “Bunnies of the Fluff” version)

Blessed Be-yotch
Kiss kiss, love ya! Bitch. (Brightest blessings…mean-witch style.)

— Natalie Carlson (@designwitch), Twitter

Bugs Bunny
Trickster God of Thwarted Goals.

— unknown

Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo
The thingamabob that does the job. It’ll do magic, believe it or not! See also Salagadoola to see what it means.

— David Mack, Jerry Livingston, and Al Hoffman (songwriters), “The Magic Song,” Disney’s Cinderella, 1950

C

Candlenights
A pan-religious, pansexual, personal pan-holiday. A universal winter celebration for everyone…with candles…at night. Traditionally celebrated around December 25th, but Candlenights can be any night of the year really because it lives in your heart.

Care Bear Stare
The deus ex machina of all witches: the evil-eye, from the heart. ♡<@>♡

Craptured
The opposite of being raptured. You know, the other thing.

Cyble
A cyber bible written by robot-Jesus in the future. Spoiler alert: he goes back in time to die for our sins and protect John Connor from the Terminator.

— The MBMBaM podcast, episode “Terminatored”

Candlestick/Endblock
An amusing butchering of the pagan sabbat known as Candlemas or Imbolc. (I literally lol’d when I read this bit in NBAW.)

— M.R. Sellars, Never Burn A Witch (pg18, trade paperback ed.)

D

Dark Day of Venus
Black Friday.

Disc of Shadows
The techno-pagan equivalent of a Book of Shadows. Acronym: DOS.

Doomaflodgey
You’re my doomaflodgey, um…if that’s okay with you? The word doomaflodgey is a satirical metavariable designed to defuse and parody the contentious nature of “reclaimed” derogatory terms (e.g. bitch, black, witch, pagan, etc.), while also challenging the merits and success of these efforts to take-away the power of those words to harm their originally-intended targets.

— Fire Lyte, Inciting A Riot podcast, episode 63: Inciting A Zimmelblob Riot

Doughism
The Way of Play-Doh.

— Inspired by Fire Lyte, Inciting A Riot podcast, episode 40: Inciting A Doughtheistic Riot

Doughist
A practitioner of Doughism.

— Inspired by Fire Lyte, Inciting A Riot podcast, episode 40: Inciting A Doughtheistic Riot

Doughtheism
The Divine is really just blue Play-Doh…and registered copyright of Hasbro. Who knew? But please, for-the-love-of-Doh, remember to wash your hands before you start playing with it!

— Fire Lyte, Inciting A Riot podcast, episode 40: Inciting A Doughtheistic Riot

Downloadasodes
Podcast episodes; or, the way we’ll all be forced to refer to podcasts in the future if the patent-trolls win. Also, it’s funny.

— Futurama

Drinking the Haterade
Jumping on the hate-wagon.

— Mnemosyne Mars

(Whole) Different Cauldron of Fish
A different thing altogether…different from things involving cauldrons and fishes anyway. A pun on the common phrase “different kettle of fish” or “whole different kettle of fish.” Similar to my witchy version of the Ozian phrase invloving a “[broom] of a different color.” Heh.

E

Excantation
Opposite of incantation.

— Heard in the “Word of the Day” segment on Inciting A Riot, episode 77.

Excommunihate
Whatever. My excommunihaters are my motivators.

EXtian
An excellent expression for self-exclaimed (and expeditiously excommunicated) ex-Christians. Pronunciation: ex-chən, or ex-tēæn.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Candlestick/Endblock
An amusing butchering of the pagan sabbat known as Candlemas or Imbolc. (I literally lol’d when I read this bit in NBAW.)

— M.R. Sellars, Never Burn A Witch (pg18, trade paperback ed.)

F

Fourth Dimension, The
A tesseract. The tesseract is a) a portal functioning as a means of travel from one point to another by traversing both space and time, and b) a four-dimensional hypercube (an 8-celled octachoron structure depicting four-dimensional space) in mathematics and geometry. Guess which one I prefer?

— Madeleine L’Engle, author of A Wrinkle In Time; Wikipedia

Flying Spaghetti Monster, The
Have you been touched by His Noodly Appendage? Compare: Pastafarianism.

Forever Pope
Behold, the Forever Pope! Tons of fun! No dying! Fangs included! When the pope becomes a vampire, we’ll never have to hold Conclave again. (Wait, he wears a cross on his head…how will that work? Oh noes!)

From Fuck You Came, To Fuck You Shall Return
Fact.

Fundies
Abbreviation for fundamentalists; any person or group that upholds strict literal interpretation of their preferred canon or ideology.

— Unknown

Fluff Bunnies (Bunnies of the Fluff)
Fight the fluff, not the bunny. A fluff bunny is a derogatory term for pagans who fixate on subjects and behavior in witchcraft and spirituality relating to the more “sweetness and light” areas on the insufferable scale of humanity. Unfortunately, it has also become a term used against those who are new to paganism (where ignorance of certain things should be forgiven and understood) or as an argumentum ad hominem tactic (a personal attack or Red Herring) meant to distract and harm the opposition during a debate. Other terms associated (but not synonymous) with fluff bunnies are: Insta-witches, McWiccans, One-Book Witches, Wicclets, Playgans, Whitelighters, Baby Pagans, or Weekend Witches.

— Author Unknown; Wikipedia; Fire Lyte (for the “Bunnies of the Fluff” version)

Formon
A former Mormon.

Fabulous MMC, The
Maiden, Mother, and Crone. “The Fabulous MMC is in the building. Can I get a what what?!”

G

Ghost Faeries
They’re real…and they have sex in your kitchen. In the style of Peter Griffin, a la Roadhouse gag: *bam!* Ghost Faeries.

— Fire Lyte and Velma Nightshade, Inciting A BrewHaHa podcast, episode 17: Ghost Faeries (The 95/5 Argument)

God-in-a-Box
Your god(s) of choice. Ultimately, it’s just a personal and decorative way to “Define the Divine.” Just be sure to poke some air-holes in your definition. Compare: Brand of Crazy.

GMTA (gūmtah)
Acronym: Great Minds Think Alike. (When you think about it, this quite possibly means that there’s a whole gaggle of geniuses out there that have this super-cool synchronistic telepathic ability, which could also mean that these same geniuses suffer the ironic ramifications of said synchronicity, which in turn could eventually result in the breakdown of all meaningful communication, whereas conversations deteriorate into an endless monotonous rut (e.g. “I totally knew you were going to say that. And that! And THAT!” ad infinitum), therefore rendering their hyper-intelligence moot. But I digress.) The real question is…do Like Minds Think Great? Which would be LMTG (lūmtig). Either way, it sounds like a worthy goal.

H

Heteroflexible
Self explanatory…and my new favorite word. Synonyms: bi-curious, bisexual, ambisexual, omnisexual, pansexual.

— Unknown

Ho-Ho
A nickname for Saint Nick, cuz we tight. “Yo, ho-ho-ho, Ho-Ho!”

Hokey-Pocus
A counter ritual. Example:

Ye place thy left wand in.
Ye take thy left wand out.
Ye place thy left wand in.
Verily, thou shalt shake it all about.
Perform thine hokey-pocus.
Turn thyself about, widdershins.

Hipster Pagan
I’m not a hipster pagan…albeit, I do insist on using only organic herbs culled from locally owned farms in all my homemade artisan incense that I use in ritual worship to my lesser known patron deity (oh, never-mind, you’ve probably never heard of him)—but that’s just because the difference in quality is really apparent (that is, when you know how to use it), especially in the burn time and the effect on workers rights and my own carbon footprint. Besides, that’s really the only way to find real patchouli these days, you know, if you’re going for the authentic 1960s throwback. I wouldn’t expect you to understand. [¬].[¬]

Hermetically Sealed
Either the seal of approval from an ancient occult tradition encompassing alchemy, astrology, and theosophy…or a super airtight bonded container. No false dichotomy here, you can have both.

Hypothesis Webshow
The goddess of all podcast ideas. She and her consort, Podius Manlabor, maintain the podverse.

— Fire Lyte and Velma Nightshade, Inciting A BrewHaHa Minisode

Hand-Assembled
Something that has been assembled by hand, as opposed to something that has been handmade in its entirety. The term handmade is grossly misused throughout the Cosmos (particularly on Etsy). Just because you strung a charm you got from the jewelry section in Michaels onto a dime-store chain doesn’t make it a OOAK handmade masterpiece, chil’ens. Don’t get me wrong, hand-assembled pieces can be amazing and unique…but before you type that description of your latest handicraft for all the world to see, please ask yourself: did you actually design, carve, cast, forge, or otherwise create BY HAND the main piece of artwork yourself? No? Then I decree that it is a hand-assembled piece as opposed to a handmade one. So say we all. Stop it. Seriously. (This has nothing to do with Paganism, it just annoys the holy ever-loving shit outta me.)

— me

Hoardus
The god of hoarding. Hail Hoardus, Master of Stuff!

— Fire Lyte, Inciting A BrewHaHa podcast (episode: Poop Candles)

I

I’ll Have My Spiritual Guides Commune With Your Spiritual Guides
Don’t call us on the astral plane, we’ll call you.

— Velma Nightshade and Fire Lyte (based on their hilarious conversation), Inciting A BrewHaHa podcast, episode 24

Index Pagan
According to Fire Lyte, an index-Pagan is “[Someone] who wants to know all about love spells, so they look it up in the back of the book, but forget to read all the bits about proper spell-casting and such” (which pretty much describes me). Compare: Wikipedia Witch.

— Fire Lyte, Inciting A Riot article: Spiritual Mission Statement (Oct 11, 2011)

Instant Karma
What happens when Nature can’t wait for herself to take her course. “Instant karma’s gonna get you; gonna knock you right on the head” (and sometimes literally). “Better get yourself together, darling—pretty soon you’re gonna be dead” (there are certain actions which demand immediate justice). Yup, son. You know you deserve this. Send your complaints to someone who cares.

— The Universe…via John Lennon…but mostly the Universe

Invisible Pink Unicorn, The
The Invisible Pink Unicorn (IPU) is the timid equine goddess of all Believers who Believe in Believing. Like most deities, Her Holy Hoffiness is a conglomeration of some key paradoxical elements: she’s invisible, and the color pink. Blessed be Her Holy Hooves.

It’s On, Witch
Oh, it is so on. <|:|

— Unknown

Illuminaughty
The ancient secret society of enlightened miscreants.

J

Jeezus
Jesus’ supes chill youngest cousin. He totes doesn’t mind if you take his name in vain. Quote: “Thus thou hath spoken my name, worry not, for thine use of it shall not weareth it out, so sayeth the Lord’s mother’s sister’s daughter’s second son” (KJV).

— Unknown

K

Keithism
According to a hilarious comment by Alice Cooper, the rumors of Keith Richards’ status as a Satanist are greatly exaggerated. Keith is clearly much older than Satan. Therefore, Satan is a more likely to be a Keithist. Hail Keith! <};)

Karmasutra
When fate fucks you in all sorts of creative ways.

— Internet meme

Kerfluffle
A fluffy, glittery shitstorm of sweetness and light; a kerfuffle between or involving Fluff Bunnies or their behavior.

— Mnemosyne Mars (afaik)

L

Lateral Dining
The most contemptible seating arrangement ever. Only reserved for shamelessly codependent couples with a bit of an exhibitionistic attitude. (This clearly has nothing to do with paganism…unless you count the fact that it goes against nature…which I do.)

Living Impaired
The politically correct term for zombies. Please, be sensitive to our living impaired sisterz and brotherz.

Lord Giveth and the Lord Bloweth Away, The
When you’re skeet-shooting your sins away while cruising on the Born Again Boat Ride, this makes perfect sense.

— Sheldon Cooper (character), The Big Bang Theory, season 5, episode 6: The Rhinitis Revelation

Losing Your Virginity
“All you have to do is get in line….” This is in reference to a totally out-of-context, ill-advised, off-the-cuff, and truly unfortunate statement made (by me) during the panel-discussion at the 3rd annual Pagan Podkin Supermoot (San Francisco, 2012). No, I do not remember why I said this. Yes, I regret it every day.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Lucifarian
Worshipin’ the Dark Lord, mon.

— Unknown

M

Mancymancy
Divination by means of divination…with divination…for divining…divination.

— Mnemosyne Mars (sorry, I was bored)

Merlin’s Beard
No, we’re not referencing Nimue and the possibility of a certain wizard’s homosexual status…this is the adorable oath coined by J.K. Rowling in her Harry Potter series.

— J.K. Rowling

Merry Tweet
A twitchy twelcome tweeted by a twitch via their Twitter twat.

— Unknown

Miracles
Recipe: take a drink, hear a joke, start to laugh. As liquid begins pouring out of your various “orifi” count yourself blessed: you have just experienced a miracle! It’s a miracle!

Mundania
In a land not far far away…unfortunately.

Fabulous MMC, The
Maiden, Mother, and Crone. “The Fabulous MMC is in the building. Can I get a what what?!”

Mr. Deity
A delightfully irreverent and tongue-in-cheek comedy vidcast about the Christian pantheon, philosophy, and doctrine written and performed by atheist and Formon, Brian Keith Dalton. It was a wicked cool show…that is until the host made a not-so-subtle rape joke in the closing segment of one of his episodes back in 2013. (Yikes.) After receiving flack for it by concerned and offended viewers, he doubled-down in the following episode to defend both himself and his accused friend (a prominent leader in the atheist community). His rape-apologist rant concluded that he’s a nice guy wah wah wah and he totally digs the womenz blah blah blah it’s just that he doesn’t think anyone should give credence to anything women say about men, especially when they’re acting all slutty and drinking alcohol because everybody with a brain (i.e. men) knows that consent is a given when a woman is drunk, duh, and besides, this was slander about a friend of his (gasp!), and we all can agree that if you’re friends with someone it means they’re totally incapable of wrongdoing, and we should just trust him on that, instead of trusting accusations made by disenfranchised victims who have no reason to make this shit up, or following up on multiple allegations made against the same person in question, because skepticism apparently only goes one way, and it doesn’t require one to follow the evidence. (Cuz science.) His final recommendation was for all of his concerned and offended viewers to fuck off and stop watching his show. (So we did.) As a final fuck you to what remained of his non-Rape-Culture-denying viewers, he then produced a few episodes starring his friend, the alleged sex offender. (Isn’t misogyny adorable?) The show is still producing episodes. (Shame I don’t give a fuck.)

N

Nature Hos
Where my nature-hos at!? A hilarious, thou slightly less sophisticated, term for pagans and other practitioners of nature-based spiritualities.

NogWatch
There is only one rule: Fear the Nog. During the longest night of the year, before snuggling down into their wee beds, all wise little witchlets and podlings must ask themselves: Are You Ready For NogWatch? So, make sure to leave out the red wine, horrifying effigies, marshmallow poppits, and evil dioramas…if you want to live. This holiday is in honor of The Nog, and a spoof on HogsWatchnight (a fictional holiday in the Discworld novels by Terry Pratchett).

Nescient
Opposite of omniscient, not knowing, ignorant. Yup. It works as a fabulous insult too. Try it.

— Heard in the “Word of the Day” segment on Inciting A Riot, episode 77.

Newtonmas
Contrary to popular Gregorian time charts, December 25 is not the birthdate of Jesus, but of Isaac Newton. So ditch those snowballs and pelt each other with apples instead! Merry Newtonmas everyone!

— The Big Bang Theory

O

Oh-God-Thirty
An ungodly hour…specifically in the morning. (This term was used often by Velma Nightshade—during the third annual Pagan Podkin Supermoot in San Francisco, 2012—in regards to the absurdly early hours of the morning some of the podkin had to leave in order to catch their flights home.)

— Unknown

OMSB
Acronym: Oh My Superior Being. Employed as a silly alternative to the more commonly used acronymic expletive phrase: Oh, my god.

Open-Air Asylum
One of the most hilarious things I’ve ever heard. Not sure if I have permission to repeat the meaning though. Ask Kathleen.

— Kathleen Borealis (of Borealis Meditation podcast), during the 3rd annual Pagan Podkin Supermoot, San Francisco, 2012

Oracle, The
Got a query? The Oracle knows all. The consultation of the sacred Oracle is often irreverently employed as an instrument of ridicule; used against those who fail to demonstrate requisite knowledge on a subject which they unwisely chose to spout…an unforgivable oversight as it is so easily remedied. One helpful resource called LMGTFY is a particularly useful tool for such derisive enterprises. (When I first heard of “The Oracle” it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure-out what it meant. Then I felt stupid. Then I rofl’d. Now I share.) Incantation:

Oh mighty Oracle—without whom we are as naught—Thou art endowed with the wisdom of the universe. I prithee, grant Thy servant swift resolution to this query; remedy my ignorance; satisfy my thirst for knowledge with reliable information from reputable sources, that I may gain mastery over that which I seek. By the power of ten duotrigintillion, I’m Feeling Lucky!
(click three times)

— Unknown

P

Pagan Problems
Problems that are unique to the pagan community. Example:

“That moment when you realize talking out loud to spirit guides (while in public) may put you in a psych institute. Pagan Problems.” —Colton Blake

— Colton Blake, via Twitter on Dec 16, 2011

Paganista
A female pagan; any trendy pagan chica with a penchant for politics. Example: “Those ceremonial robes are sooooooo last-sabbat, honey” or “The promoters of [controversial pagan topic] are clearly using a string of logical fallacies as their main means of support, don’t you agree? Wait…are you really going to wear those robes?”

Paganym
A pagan pseudonym; a magical- or craft-name employed to express one’s spiritual persona, or distinguish between pagan and mundane identity or authorship.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Papa Ooma Mow Mow
An ornithological god of the sea; patron deity of surfers; keeper of the Bird.

— Mnemosyne Mars; The Trashmen, song “Surfin’ Bird” (1963)

Pastafarian
A practitioner of Pastafarianism.

Pastafarianism
A religious philosophy that follows the wise ways of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Practitioners believe that a) pirates were actually peaceful explorers whose criminal reputation and outcast status is the result of Christian slander and misinformation b) beer is the best beverage in the universe, c) all Fridays are religious holidays, d) a lack of seriousness in one’s attitude toward life and self is a virtue, and e) to embrace Contradictions is the only True way to find True Truth (although in this, they are hardly unique).

Peskitarian
Someone who calls themselves a vegetarian but sees no conflict with devouring an arbitrary (or especially tasty) species from the kingdom of animalia (all sentient living organisms). Combination of the words pesky (annoying, causing trouble) and the suffix arian (a concern or belief in a specified thing).

— The Internet has spoken

Pixies
A pagan-themed expletive I often use. Especially useful as an alternative exclamation when small children, or conservative Christians, are around. It is equivalent to the common oath “Barnacles” in the all-important Spongebob multi-verse. Also used as a means of explaining or deferring blame in unfortunate situations. Usage: “Where-in-the-Hades are my bunny-licking car keys?! Damn pixies.”

— Mnemosyne Mars

Playgan
A recreational pagan; not a serious practitioner; to espouse a pagan persona based on superficial grounds (amusement, controversy, attention); experimenting with paganism simply by wearing stereotypical witchy garb or accoutrements.

Pocket Rocks
Got a rock in your pocket? No, you’re not a pervert…you’ve just discovered the useful practice of carrying stones in your pocket! Instead of going to all the trouble of making jewelry out of your healing or protective stones, just pop ’em in your pocket: no assembly required! Perfect for travel, or when using multiple stones.

Pope’s Private Naked Dude Mural, The
The Sistine Chapel. Think about it.

— Bart Simpson, The Simpsons, season 23, episode 6: The Book Job (original air-date: Nov 20, 2011)

Postdictions
Unfashionably late prophesies.

— Mnemosyne Mars (I’m hilarious after 3am)

Psychometry
The ability to perceive relevant information from an object using extra-sensory (psychic) perception and physical contact with that object. To what end…I’m not really sure. Although psychometric-bibliophagy (Willow style) would be wicked cool and very useful. (Anyone who gets the Willow reference has my undying respect and love.)

— Merriam-Webster Dictionary; Wikipedia

Polyamory
The best, most concise, and funniest description of monogamy versus polyamory I’ve ever heard (and not just because of the comic book references): “Some people are Batman and Robin type people, and I’m Justice League.”

Purity Olympics
Let the Holier-than-thou Games begin!

— Unknown

Pagan Pope
Gratias ago deam non habemus papam! In the pagan community, we have “no Pagan Pope to divide us into the faithful and the damned, because if there was we’d all want a ride in her popemobile!” In other words, no one other than you gets to decide who, or what, is pagan. So…keep calm and merry on. Compare: Project Pagan Enough.

Project Pagan Enough
I’m pagan enough, you’re pagan enough, that girl over there wearing the fairy wings and the kid next to her with the tramp stamp that says ‘the power of three will set us free’ in Elivish…are also pagan enough. From the Project Pagan Enough website: “The word ‘pagan’ means a lot of things to a lot of people. It has historical etymological and philological derivations, modern day connotations, and—most importantly—very personal meaning to a great number of people.” It is up to every individual to define and express their own pagan beliefs, philosophy, and devotion. Someone else’s paganism may not look, feel, manifest, or be in any way akin to yours…and vice versa. There is no Pagan Pope to decide who is pagan enough and who gets excommunicated (and even if there were, it wouldn’t be you, m’kay?). Remember: unity doesn’t mean uniform. So, embrace the chaos and spread the love!

Podius Manlabor
The patron saint of podcast feeds. He and his consort, Hypothesis Webshow, maintain the podverse.

— Fire Lyte and Velma Nightshade, Inciting A BrewHaHa Minisode

Q

R

Replunder
To respond and reply simultaneously…without mercy or recourse. (I forget who said this or in what context…but it was hilarious.)

— Unknown

S

Sam Hain
Good ol’ Sammy. He’s kinda like a Santa Claus for witches. Every Halloween, Sam Hain hops into his unholy chariot (made of the bones of children), driven by his four adorable hellhounds (Stinky, Blinky, Zombie, and Pumpkin), and delivers candy (and fresh animal carcasses) to all the good little witchlets. It’s true. Totally, totally, real guy. (Okay, for reals now. The posited existence of a demonic character named “Sam Hain” derives from a mispronunciation and bifurcation of the word Samhain (sow-in). No such being has ever existed in history, legend, or myth. Regardless, people continue to use him as fantastical plot-devices in television shows, or as pseudo-historial attempts to prove modern pagans worship the devil. Hail Sam.)

— Unknown

Satyrs Gonna Sate
Well, they gonna try. Insatiable buggers.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Seven Deadly Demons
In old-timey Catholicism, there are seven demons that correspond to each of the Seven Deadly Sins. More importantly, this is the most AWESOME BAND NAME EVER! *cue music* “The More You Know.”

Sixth Element, The
Glitter. So much glitter.

SMIB (‘smihb)
Acronym: So Mote It Be.

Stoner
What? It’s not illegal to like geology. Just remember, when it comes to stones “size doesn’t matter, but hardness does.” <|;)

Stray
One who wanders aimlessly along the Kinsey scale. Combination of the words straight (heterosexual) and gay (homosexual). Synonyms: bisexual, ambisexual, pansexual, omnisexual.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Schrödinger’s Gender
You never know ’til you open the box…. Gender as a concept and identity only exists with interactive observation.

Sacredicity
Behold the holiness of this abstract noun. Velma Nightshade says “That’s not a word!” but we say ”It should be.”

— Fire Lyte, The Inciting A BrewHaHa podcast, episode “Bloody Sex Magic”

Scientistic
Like, sciencey, but not too sciencey.

Salagadoola
It means mechicka boolaroo—put ’em together and what have you got? See Bibbidi-Bobbidi-Boo.

— David Mack, Jerry Livingston, and Al Hoffman (songwriters), “The Magic Song,” Disney’s Cinderella, 1950

T

Tarot-ist
A tarot practitioner who preys on the gullible. Oh…that’s tarot-ble. <|XD

Tessersexual
Someone beyond the normal bounds of sexual preference, orientation, or experimentation on the physical plane. Literally: a four-dimensional hyper-slut. <|XD A naughty spoof on geometric tesseracts (four-dimensional hypercubes).

— Mnemosyne Mars (it was funny at the time)

Toddler Pagan
A step up from Baby Pagan status. At this stage, you’re growing up and ready for Pagan Preschool. So, raise your sippy-chalice, don your ceremonial pull-ups, and get ready to experience your first duck-duck-goose circle gathering! Blessed A-B-C’s.

Twat
A Twitter account. That’s all. Get your head out of the gutter! Yes, this term does serve double-duty as a…more commonly known euphemism. But it’s funnier to use it wrong.

Twintuition
A psychic link between twins, possibly due to a bifurcated soul. ’Cause that’s a real thing.

— Terry and Linda Jameson (self-styled psychic twins), via The View

Twissertation
A dissertation in tweet form. A picture is worth 1,000 words, academic dissertations are typically between 8,000–10,000 words…but Twitter has a 140 character limit! What to do? Why not defy the whole purpose of micro-blogging and proceed to write a course-worth of information spread-out over a series of endless tweets? Everyone will see how smart you are, how much time you have on your hands, how well you follow instructions and regard social networking protocols, and what you think of your followers that you would do that to them! Yay! We hate you!

Twittermancy
Yes, this is a thing. Instructions: log-on to Twitter, hold a question in your mind, scroll-up, scroll-down, pick a tweet, ponder the implications of the crazy-random result. Example: (Yes, I did this.)

Query: Will I become a published author some day?
Tweet: @HuffPostRelig: “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a harder battle.” —Plato

Triskaidekaphobia
Fear or superstition of the number thirteen (aka 12B). Combined form of the Greek word treiskaideka (thirteen) and the English word phobia (extreme or irrational fear). Yes, it’s an actual word…and it’s my favorite thing in the whole wide worldy world.

— Merriam-Webster Dictionary

U

Überhexe
It’s a bat! It’s a broom! No, it’s SuperWitch! According to this particular variation of the übermensch role, as described by Friedrich Nietzsche, the überhexen would be an “ideal superior [witch] of the future who could rise above conventional morality to create and impose [his or her] own values.” Plural: Überhexen. Origin: German, literally “super witch.” (Interestingly enough, in Turkish uber (sans umlat) also means “witch.” So, if you happen to be of both German and Turkish descent, you’d be a witch-witch.)

— Mnemosyne Mars; Friedrich Nietzsche, Thus Spake Zarathustra (1883–85)

Utterly Useless Psychic Abilities (UUPA)
What good is it to have a psychic ability…when it’s limited to the knowledge of what people want for breakfast? How about a psychic that can only see into the…present? Okay, what if you can see into the future…but only as far 2–3 seconds at a time? See?! Useless!! The highlight of your day would be picking-up on my penchant for vegan tofu-scrambles. The only insight you could give your clients would be the missed calls they’ll have after their reading is over. You’re entire life would be spent going “Watch out for the—!” and “Wait, don’t open that—!” and so on. (This is one of the many weird, inside-joke inspired brain teasers my mom and I like to play. We think it’s funny.)

— Mnemosyne and Mama Mars

Umwelt
A theory of semiotics (the study of signs, symbolism, and communication) that defines a sort of ‘self-centered,’ animistic, multiverse of individual perception. The basic concept is that “because their senses pick up on different things, different animals in the same ecosystem actually live in very different worlds; everything about you shapes the world you inhabit—from your ideology, to your glasses prescription, to your web browser” (xkcd.com).

— Jakob von Uexküll and Thomas A Sebeok, Introduced to me on xkcd.com

V

Voodoo
Voodoo, “it’s kind of like the Force.” (Except that it isn’t at all.)

— An actual (yes, this happened) statement made by our ghost-hunting tour-guide at the 3rd annual Pagan Podkin Supermoot, San Francisco, 2012

Veganing
Verb: a ceremonial dedication to veganism; to make vegan.

W

Wanna-Blessed-Be’s
A derisive term for witches who spend more time planning bake-sales then conjuring the dark forces. In other words, a pathetic poseur who probably wouldn’t know her valerian from her vandal root. *snort* Oh, wait.

— Willow, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, season 4

Welcome To Paganism…Slow Your Roll
It can be easy for baby pagans to go overboard with all the newly discovered witchy stuff: books, tools, stones, jewelry, forums, festivals, glitter…etc. Remember that paganism and witchcraft are lifelong paths; therefore, it doesn’t require shiny new tools, monogrammed leather-bound grimoires, attendance at every pagan-gathering within the tri-state area, every witchy book ever published (Velma), seven-thousand tarot decks, an embroidered black-velvet ceremonial robe with gold-threaded trim…you get the point. Slow your roll. Don’t burn yourself out, or worse…make a massive magical ass out of yourself (but we say that with love).

Wearth Ership
The actprice of ershiping the Wearth, and other Wearth-based piritsualities. (A wee slip-of-the-tongue by the fabulous Melva Sighthnade—I mean, Velma Nightshade.)

WTF
Acronym: What The Fluff. Usage: “What the fluff?! Does your tramp-stamp say ‘the power of three will set us free’ in ELVISH?” (Actually…never-mind. That would be awesome.)

What’s Up, Witches?
Where my pagans at? Holla!

(Whole) Different Cauldron of Fish
A different thing altogether…different from things involving cauldrons and fishes anyway. A pun on the common phrase “different kettle of fish” or “whole different kettle of fish.” Similar to my witchy version of the Ozian phrase invloving a “[broom] of a different color.” Heh.

Wikipedia Witch
A person who gleans all their information about paganism and witchcraft from Wikipedia articles or similar questionable sources. Typically, Wikipedia-witches will also be in possession of a book-of-shadows consisting entirely of webpage print-outs. They also tend to believe whatever they read online, because if it’s on the internet, it must be true! (More likely, they’ll believe just the brief summaries of whatever they read online because. After all, who has the time to read an entire article these days, right?)

Witch, Please
An expression of comical derision, yet genuine incredulousness and disgust, toward a fellow witch; often in response to a statement or action (relating to pagan culture) that is excruciatingly stupid, outrageous, or out-right ridiculous. Usage: “Does your tramp-stamp say ‘the power of three will set us free’ in ELVISH? Witch, please.” (Nope, still awesome.)

Witch Slapped
Ouch. Lemme get some ice for that burn. Aside from the obvious play-on-words, this is also the highest badge-of-honor one can give or receive as a WWCF award.

— Mnemosyne Mars, Robert Aoidh

Witch Up
Pagan problems? Witch up and broom-handle it, son. The birth-quote of this phrase (below) continues to be the best thing I’ve ever read, ever.

“My neighbors have a new baby with colic. One of us really just needs to witch up and eat the damn thing.” —Evnissyen

Woo-Woo
Magic, and the belief in magic. We’re talking, like, totally real, super-serious, mind-blowing in its accuracy and evidence-based factualness kind of magic. Also refers to a rare form of high ceremonial magic which can only be performed by master wizards with considerable *spirit fingers* “WooOooo…” powers resulting from careful study of the ancient tomes of Woo that allows then to do dat woo-woo that they do so well. No, really. What? *holds up “sarcasm” sign*

— Unknown

Wordship
The Lexicon…but more worshippy.

— Mnemosyne Mars

Worshipate
Gettin’ your worship on. (Rhymes with celebrate and decorate.)

WWCF
Acronym: Witch/Wizard Cat-Fight. The WWCFs are pagan-style flame-wars; a pun on the WWE (formerly WWF) franchise; also a series of fictional awards given to victors and survivors of WWCFs fought openly in the public arena known as The Interwebs. The badge system (Witch Snap, Witch Blast, and Witch Slapped) was based on an inside-joke between me and a friend; the result of a heated exchange between myself and a particularly hostile forum whore on [pagan-social-network-that-shall-not-be-named].

— Mnemosyne Mars, Robert Aoidh

Wiccan-Washing
Wiccan-washing is a common phenomenon when a uniquely Wiccan interpretation of some Earth-based spiritual system, narrative, or modality is presented as though it were universally Pagan. (Word play utilizing the term and concept of “white-washing” sans racial implications.) Wiccan-washed content is often found in Witchy-101 books, and mainly consists of language and symbology emphasizing biology-based binary gender-identity and reproduction. One classic example is the Wiccan threefold model of the Triple Goddess/God—an interpretation of the Divine as having three distinct, biology-based manifestations known as Maiden-Mother-Crone, or Warrior-Father-Sage. This model is so ubiquitous in Pagan literature and liturgy, that it is widely accepted as a universally Pagan concept…but it isn’t. It’s Wiccan. There’s nothing wrong with the threefold model, but when viewed as the only (universal) way of relating to and understanding the Divine, it swiftly becomes limiting and problematic. Remember, witches don’t let witches Wiccan-wash. Get your head out of the chalice and blade.

— Fire Lyte, Inciting A Riot podcast (episode 105)

X

X-mas (Xmas)
Abbreviation: 1) Christmas; 2) the official winter holiday celebrated by students of Charles Xavier’s School For Gifted Youngsters and Institute of Higher Learning. In reference to the first definition, the letter X has been used to abbreviate Christ (based on the christogram (☧) a symbol using the Greek letters X/Chi and P/Rho from the name Khristos) for centuries, and is commonly featured in early Biblical manuscripts. Nowadays, it serves as the catalyst for an annual shitstorm known as the “War on Christmas.” This so-called war is (allegedly) a response to the (supposedly) secular origin of X and its disrespectful attitude towards traditional representations of…X. (Irony, anyone?) Remember: whether X represents X or X, it’s still X-able. X-erry X-mas, every-X!

— X

Xenowiccaphobia
Fear of an unknown, or indecipherably complicated, infrastructure or methodology of a Wiccan tradition. Don’t be afraid, they don’t bite (unless you go widdershins when you should’ve gone deosil…then you’re screwed).

— Unknown

Y

You Do The Rhyme, You Do The Time
Spell-caster beware. Witches take responsibility for their actions. It is a craft of conscious self-empowerment. If you aren’t prepared to reap the consequences of your spell, then don’t do it. Remember: curses are a last resort, not a first course of action.

— The infinite wisdom of Velma Nightshade, Inciting A Riot podcast, episode 23: Inciting A BrewHaHa

Z

Zimmelblob
According to the Man-In-The-Funny-Hat, we can confidently claim that we’re about 25% sure that Zimmelblob’s are non-quadrupeds who eschew the practice of eating rocks and don’t make their beds in mailboxes. A Zimmelblob is parodic example of a word that defies definition because it refuses to limit itself to any fixed, distinct meaning other than to reiterate what it is not.

Zombie Jesus (Day)
Happy Zombie Jesus day! Jesus died for our sins, then three days later he came back from the grave to feast on human flesh…or something.

— Jamie Kilstein, Citizen Radio podcast, episode 276: Happy Zombie Jesus Day

Numerical Nonsense

12B
The alternative and much preferred name of a certain numerical digit betwixt 12 and 14, according to those afflicted by triskaidekaphobia

— Jenny Lawson (aka The Bloggess), Let’s Pretend This Never Happened

Emotes

)O( Triple goddess (moon phases).
<|:) Happy witch.
<|:( Sad witch.
<|;) Winky witch.
<|:D Laughing witch.
<|:| Drop-dead-serious witch.
<|XD Witch cackle.
<|:O OMG witch.
<};) Wicked witch.
<|B) Cooler-than-thou witch.
<|:{> Wizard.
o8): Goddess (Venus de Willendorf).
^,..,^ Vampire.
+O:) The Pope.
<@> The evil-eye.
{.y.} Ganesh.
~:oY Baby pagan (baby on broom).
<+))>< Ichthys (Christian fish).
P| Pirate.
O:) Angel.
(o|) Monk.

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